Even though the Xbox 360 can do no wrong in the minds of most, it has been plagued with a lack of quality RPGs. Sure, we've all played Elder Scrolls by now, and yeah, Blue Dragon and Mass Effect are on the way, but dammit people, I'm trying to make a point, and I'm not about to let something as insignificant as facts ruin my very valid and articulate argument! Now then, as I was saying, there has never been an RPG on the Xbox 360, and the mere thought of one made Bill Gates' head explode. However, after fitting Mr. Gates with a new cyborg brain, he was deemed stable, and work began on Enchanted Arms.

If You Thought the Title Was Gay, Just Wait Until You Meet the Characters

   The story begins with Atsuma, Toya, and Makoto having another boring day at school. Atsuma is your traditional, by-the-numbers protagonist: a hot-headed upstart with a mysterious secret power contained in his right arm (I have a similar power in my right arm, though instead of being the savior of mankind, I'm just court-ordered to stay 1,000 yards away from certain people and buildings). Toya is the school's all-star pupil, beloved by all, and a close personal friend of Atsuma. And then there's Makoto, oh Makoto. Makoto is... well... he's a gay transvestite who fights by using the power of music, and makes special "love lunches" for Toya. Go ahead and reread that last sentence to make sure you fully comprehend it; I'll go grab a soda. Ok, we all back now? So yeah, the developers thought it would be a great idea to add a terribly offensive gay stereotype as one of the main characters. Brilliant huh? To be honest, I'm surprised GLAAD, PFLAG, and every other anti-defamation group isn't clamoring for the developers' heads. I heard there was going to be a lawsuit, but the studio settled by bribing them with the complete series of Will & Grace on Blu-Ray.

   Soon after the game begins, our three little heroes of questionable sexual orientation skip school to attend a local festival. While living it up, the boys are attacked by a number of "golems," mechanical creatures originally created to protect humans and serve as proxies during war. You know, like toasters. The suddenly berserk creatures bring back memories of the "Golem War," an epic battle which brought on supreme destruction due to the world's golems continuing to fight even after their masters were killed. While fleeing the battle, Atsuma and friends stumble upon the Queen of Ice, a mysterious Devil Golem sealed away long ago to prevent complete cataclysm. Atsuma's arm begins to react when he gets near the queen, reviving her and destroying the entire city. Atsuma flies into a berserk rage, Toya is taken captive by the Queen, Makoto is apparently killed (the Queen is so going to jail, that's obviously a hate crime!), and the game finally begins in earnest.

   During the remainder of the game you party rounds out with Karin, a saucy princess who likes to wear micro-skirts and silky leggings, Raigar, her personal knight who serves as the game's only remotely likable character, and Yuki, the uber-annoying Golem Hunter who deserves a swift kick to the head. With the team all here, the party sets out to save Toya, defeat the Queen, and bring about world peace. I know, it's by far the most complex and original storyline ever found in the world of video games.

War is Fought One Square at a Time

You Know How the Ugly Duckling Turned Into a Beautiful Swan? Yeah, That Doesn't Happen Here.

   It's a good thing that the game is fun to play, because that's pretty much where the positives end. The hardware of the 360 should make the game a beauty, but it looks much more like a beast. While cutscenes are very impressive, the in-game graphics are just flat and uninteresting. I think I counted three times in the entire game when I actually found myself checking out the world around me, the rest of the scenery was just too non-descript to really notice. Also, the maps and dungeons tend to be incredibly linear, with one path taking you to a dead end containing a treasure chest or golem to battle, and the other route leading you to the game's next destination. While you'll never get lost, you'll also never get to scratch that exploration itch.

   And then there's the voice acting, which will likely make you want to slice your ears off. After listening to these over-emoting, whiny brats I began to envy Van Gough and that guy from Reservoir Dogs (where's Mr. Blonde when you need him?) Of course, the voice-acting itself isn't the only thing wrong here, the script is equally terrible. How bad, you ask? Well, if you told an emo 5th grader to write a 40 hour story it would probably come out a lot like this. Essentially, every act features one of the main characters crying, bitching, moaning, and generally feeling sorry for themselves until they find redemption through bloodshed. Everyone, that is, except for Raigar. The stalwart knight is definitely the strong, silent type, and is the only character I didn't want to kill in slow and agonizing ways. When Raigar's personal dilemmas come, they are handled with cool-headed logic and honorable combat. God bless you Raigar, you truly deserve more in life than to be an unappreciated sidekick.

Don't Press That Button! Press This Button Repeatedly Instead!

   While RPGs have never been known for complex control schemes, this one takes the cake. You see that "A" button on your 360 controller? Well, you may as well tell it all your most intimate secrets (including that time you saw your sister naked and stood in the doorway staring just a bit too long), because you're going to get to know it all too well. Need to get across the gap? Press the "A" button. Want to swim across the river? Push your little green friend. Gotta climb a ladder? Open a chest? Push a button? Solve a difficult quadratic equation? You guessed it. While it may be nice to have this simplicity at first, it gets old real, REAL fast.

It's Like Dating the Less-Attractive Friend in Hopes That the Mega-Hottie Will Finally Notice You

   While Enchanted Arms isn't the most pretty or original game you'll come across, it's still executed reasonably well. For all its faults, the game is still a ton of fun, as every battle plays out a little differently. You will probably find yourself seeking out battles just to try out new attacks and strategies in the hopes of coming up with the perfect battle plan. Couple this with a nice variety of enemies, a well-paced story, and some fun side missions, and you've got a nice distraction until the next big title comes out. Now then, I have to go, there is a gang of saxophone playing transvestites gathered outside my window and I fear no good will come of this.

       ... Brad