It's a well-established fact that Japan is secretly trying to overthrow American culture with cutesy characters, poorly dubbed cartoons, and an abundance of preachy, yet enjoyable RPGs. All of these aspects have been combined into Mistwalker's latest RPG, Blue Dragon. Just don't say I didn't warn you when all this Japanese goodness revolts and destroys us all, led by the ultra-brutal General Hello Kitty.

Look At Those Pretty Clouds... Ahh! They're Killing Us All!

   Our story begins in sleepy little Talta Village, where our heroes Shu, Jiro, and Kluke are enjoying another quiet day. However, the peace is short-lived, as a storm of violet clouds approach, and a terror known as the Land Shark begins to decimate the town. Apparently, the clouds have come every year for the past decade, always portending doom and destruction. If you think about it, it's the same basic premise as spending Christmas with your extended family. Shu and his friends are tired of it, and decide to stand up to the Land Shark and try and stop it once and for all. Once, I tried to stand up to my uncle Ernie once and for all, and then he stuffed me up the fireplace... Christmas memories.

   After a failed attempt to trap the attacker, the kids discover that the Land Shark is in fact an ancient machine; a knowledge that leaves them in deep thought as they are conveniently kidnapped and taken to the fortress of the inscrutable Nene who, for being a total badass, has a name you'd expect out of some kind of fuzzy pet. Nene is the last remaining Ancient, the race of people who could utilize magic, and he hates the world of "inferior" beings who now control the strings of destiny. Consequentially, he uses his powers to bring death and suffering on all the world's populace just to hear their screams. The party confronts Nene, but he easily dispatches them with his magical powers and strong body odor. Ewww, that old man smell is the worst. That's why I won't visit grandpa in the nursing home anymore.

   As the kids flee the base, small light spheres appear and a mysterious voice urges them to swallow the spheres. Being the kinds of children whose parents apparently never told them not to eat things given to them by strangers, especially by strangers you can't see, the party does as they're told. Good thing too, as the kids are granted the power to control ferocious Shadows. In combat, the Shadows serve as proxies for the main characters - in other words, it is not your party members directly who attack the monsters and cast magical spells, but rather the Shadows. Of course, the Shadows are controlled by the power of the party's hearts. Their soft, warm, delicious hearts. See kids, those people your parents told you not to trust are just trying to give you special magical powers, so you should go ahead and just do whatever they tell you.

   As Shu and company pursue Nene, they meet Marumaro, a mole/human/pottery enthusiast whose village has been poisoned by Nene, and Zola, a mercenary knight whose kingdom is threatened by Nene's monsoons. Together, this ragtag group of misfits sets out to right the wrongs of the world and learn some personal lessons along the way. It's nice of the developers to do something new isn't it?

What Do You Mean I Have to Get a Job?!?!

It Looks Good... When... the... Frame... Rate... Stays... Up

   The art direction and character designs of the game come from Akira Toriyama, he of DragonBall Z fame. His presence is clearly felt as Shu will definitely remind you of Goku on more than one occasion, and Zola is definitely the anime chick whose halter top and hot pants will make you think impure thoughts about a cartoon character. The enemy designs are also terrific, with most foes being both intimidating and hilarious at the same time. The game looks great, especially in HD, and there will be moments where you completely forget that you're playing a game.

   However, for all the pretty pixels it packs, the game is not graphically perfect. It is plagued by frame-rate issues, especially when multiple party members are charging up attacks and another character takes a turn. For some reason, the powerhouse 360 processor can't keep up with it all, and that's utterly unforgivable. Even more egregious, I ran into a handful of moments in my game where cutscenes stopped, chopped, and went black while the audio kept playing. Yeah, that's great guys, I didn't actually WANT to watch the story unfold or anything. While I'm here, why don't you just kick me in the nuts and get it over with? Just like that girl you met at the bar, this one looks pretty on the surface, but you soon find out that there are all sorts of issues once you get under the hood.

   Apart from the graphical issues, the game shines in every other sense. The voice-acting is great (even the hyperactive Marumaro), the music sets the perfect tone for the environment you find yourself in, and the controls are spot-on. If only they could have fixed the frame-rate issues and cutscenes breakups, this one would have been aesthetically perfect.

That Toilet Just Gave Me 100 Experience Points

   When taken as a complete package, Blue Dragon is an exceptionally fun game and a welcome newcomer to the RPG market. There is always something to do in this game, with new areas to constantly explore and challenges to tackle. As you wander through towns you can check vases, boxes, and even toilets for items, gold, or experience points. Even when you find "Nothing" you are rewarded by an NPC who will give you the games' rarest items for finding more and more Nothings. This aspect, as well as the numerous sidequests and special missions, will keep you playing for well over 50 hours. In addition, the game offers a downloadable New Game+ mode, as well as Hard and Impossible difficulties to entice you play through again and again. Tell your friends to take their social lives and shove it, you've got one hell of a game to play.

       ... Brad