One might wonder why yours truly is dedicating a review to Portal alone and not to the high value package it was originally bundled in - The Orange Box. Reasons are many, but the most important one is that it would be simply vulgar to not give this game its own space. That and, well, honestly - I'm being rebellious. Down with you and your system, pigs!

   My rebellious tendencies notwithstanding, you might be curious to know whether The Orange Box and not just Portal (which you can also buy separately) is worthy of your cash (or your sugar mamma's, for the luckiest of you), so let's get that out of the way quickly, shall we?

   Yes, it is. The Orange Box is the best value videogame disc you will ever find. Five great games, one of which is a masterpiece, for the price of one. Play with your calculator to figure it out. Now let's talk about Portal.

Alas, there is life in the old hag yet!

   For a faitheful gaming nerd like me, after so many games played it's difficult not to become a little jaded. Even the best games we play nowadays often lack that special sauce that's so hard to put your finger into; something so rare, it's difficult to recognize even when it's staring you straight in the face - like that girl who's attracted to you against all possible odds (and whom you still fail to notice because you are too busy blowing at your DS to pay attention).

   I'm talking about innovation. Certain people in the business are under the impression that innovation in gaming means finding new ways to make the gamer look like a complete douche. Even back then when I used to dress as Link to play Ocarina of Time, I still kept a little of my dignity. Now I'm forced to wiggle my arms like they're fire hoses to play the Wii.

   But here is the kicker: even without fancy motion sensors or funny shaped peripherals, Portal looks, feels, smells, tastes and sounds innovative. Best of all: I still feel dignified to play it, even when I'm wearing my Sephiroth costume like I do every Tuesday.

Chell meet GLaDOS. GLaDOS meet Chell.

...And I said "GoodBYE!" and you were like "no WAY!" and then I was all like "we pretended we were going to murder you."

   While we're on the subject of funny, GameLemon's claim of fame is to have the funniest videogame reviews, which is why I'm a little intimidated to be writing one for Portal. You know, because it's embarrassing when the videogame you're reviewing is funnier than you.

   But that's all right, because Portal is so ridiculously funny, it could pee in my soup, throw a pie at my mom, fart in my face and I'd still call out its priceless sense of humor with thumbs up and the taste of pee in my mouth. If pitch-black humor, perfect comedic timing and absolutely fantastic execution are your cup of pee (I mean tea!), you'll be suffering from severe funny bone fractures. Guaranteed. Maybe a busted gut, a case of over-slapped knee and syphilis, too. For further information, consult your physician.

Someone pinch me, I think I'm dreaming.

   But of course this is more than just the effective use of sarcasm and self-admitted mythomane computers. Despite the aforementioned humor, Portal is a very ethereal, otherworldly experience.

   The art direction and graphic design are slick; the textures are flawless and clean, bringing forth an amazing atmosphere for every step you take within the Aperture Science Enrichment Center.

   One could complain about the simplicity of the overall aesthetics, but I think it works in the game's favor. The repetitiveness only adds to the ethereal and suffocating atmosphere. I know I got a nice big hug of anxiety when I began feeling like I was following the trail of Mr. Clean's army of zombie mops.

   So indeed the level design is repetitive; basically all the rooms look the same (until near the end, when the environment changes completely) but that's the idea, Einstein. Of course all the rooms follow the same visual pattern! This is a laboratory, not Discovery Zone.

Don't you look nice; did you get a haircut?

   Which (once again!) brings me to the graphics. There's not all that much to look at to be honest, since most of the terrains and models repeat themselves, not to mention the fact that most textures are absolutely plain or bland (pure white, pure blue), but what there is, you'll find very pretty.

   And there are only few games that can pull off a virtual human and all that it encompasses (modeling, boobs, facial expressions, ta-tas, hair, breasts, did I say boobs already?, etc.) without failing. Sadly, Portal isn't one of them. If through the portals you manage to get a look at the character you're controlling, you'll notice that Chell isn't the best modeled character ever, and her movements are far from realistic. That, however, is okay because you never have to actually see Chell (so you're not reminded that you're playing as a girl and have your sexuality threatened), or any human for that matter, which means - forget that you're playing a videogame. All characters you meet are either robotic or cubical (take that literally), and they still have more personality than you.

   As far as the rest of the presentation is concerned, it's simple to explain. Like any recent game developed using the Source Engine (of Half-Life 2 fame), you can expect realistic and dynamic lighting, shade effects, and a fantastic physics engine, among other back-of-the-box blurbs.

Need a confidence boost? This games makes you think you're smart!

   Of course, what's really important isn't so much the muscle the game is running on, as the use that's given to it. Portal's gameplay is about one thing and one thing only: cake. I mean, portals. Right, portals.

   Early into the game, you're given a Portal gun, which you will use to complete every test chamber. With this gun, you can shoot either blue or orange portals on walls, the floor, and other smooth, plain surfaces. The mechanic is simple: the blue portal ports you to the orange one and the other way around.

   And there are only so many puzzles you can design with the same mechanic, right? Well yes, that's true, which is why the variety of puzzles that are thrown your way, going from simple item fetching to smoke-out-of-ears complex, is absolutely impressive. The well designed escalation in the puzzle difficulty is remarkable; it eases you in and, in the end, makes you feel like a rocket scientist. Sure, it may be shamelessly misleading you and your double digit IQ (and why is there a letter in it, anyway?), but it's still very rewarding.

Cross-dressing of the non-scary type.

   Remember: this is basically a puzzle game transvestite posing as an FPS to get some tail, so don't be fooled by the fact that you're holding something that looks like a gun when you see screenshots.

   The controls are probably the biggest manifestation of the FPS gene. Anyone familiarized with the most basic control scheme for a console first person shooter will know how to grab the controller and do what they need to do. What's different is, well, the portals, which you shoot with the shoulder buttons.

Pointing and shooting had never been more fun.

   But that's all FPS there is to it; there is absolutely no shooting involved at any point (except, well, when you're the one being shot at) and, although it sounds weird or perhaps boring if you have the attention span of a wet rug, it never is. This genre immigrant combines puzzle solving, exploration and a kind of combat, all streamlined into one seamless combination.

   Speaking of combat, the final boss, and there is one, might just be one of the best boss fights you will ever have outside your office after a demotion. Not only is it, again, hilarious to listen to the dialogue as the battle takes place, the use of the already complex mechanics to transform the sequence into a fight is extremely clever.

Look at me, still talking when there's science to do.

   It all culminates in a finale which will leave your mouth completely agape. Then, the credits start rolling and a pretty song called "Still Alive" (written by Jonathan Coulton) begins, marking the moment when you finally realize the full excellence of Portal (and if you don't, you're wrong!). The song is extremely catchy, funny and even slightly emotional.

   It comes to an end somewhere around three hours after the beginning, which means that, regrettably, it is a pretty short experience. Well, maybe not so regrettably. Remember - Portal is essentially an experiment. Yes, a perfectly executed, brilliant experiment that should become a new religion and I want to have its babies, but an experiment nonetheless.

   It ends before any of its mechanics become repetitive, before it becomes predictable, and before it gets boring. As such, it's always better to end something when it's still good and not to try and squeeze it for as long as possible and compromise the quality. I mean, seriously, has ER been any good for the last seven seasons?

One for the ages.

   Most games don't deserve such praise, but Portal isn't like most games. This is history in the making, people, for suresies. In the commentary (yes, Portal comes with a developer commentary, as do other games in The Orange Box), the devs mention that they've only scratched the surface of this type of gameplay.

   I cannot wait to see what they have in store for the upcoming Portal 2. If that is to surpass this, they're going to need a controller that gives the user actual sexual pleasure.

       ... Leon Sakau