Castle Crashers. Is there a more beautiful combination of two words in the English language? Well, maybe "Free Kittens" or "Non-Toxic Paint", or "Chronosynclastic Infundibulum" but "Castle Crashers" is definitely in the top five. Long in production by quirky developers, The Behemoth, Castle Crashers had a lot to live up to when it hit Xbox Live Arcade in late summer 2008. Amazingly, it overwhelmingly met fan expectations, delivering a satisfyingly old-school beat 'em up with a style and personality all its own.

   The story is simple and to the point: an evil wizard and his army of minions have stolen a powerful magic crystal and kidnapped four lovely princesses.

   Now four stubby, monochromatic knights of the realm set off in pursuit, pummeling the ever-loving crap out of anything that gets in their way, be it barbarian, cannibal bear-man, giant fish thing, or the dreaded pirate-ninja. And in the proud tradition of beat 'em ups, the action is equally uncomplicated. Each knight has a light and a strong attack, and stringing them together executes basic combos. The more hits the knights land the more experience they earn, and as they earn experience their levels will increase, unlocking new combos and techniques.

   Each knight also has some elemental magic, a handful of selectable items (bombs, arrows, healing potions, etc.), and unlockable animal companions to help with the ass kicking as needed. If you've ever played Final Fight, Knights of the Round, River City Ransom, or any of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade games, you're already well acquainted with the mechanics of Castle Crashers, and I'm pleased to report that the action is just as satisfying, if not more so in some cases, than in those classic titles.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

   What makes the game really stand out is its absolutely brilliant sense of style, a style which is largely defined by the art of Dan Paladin (who, despite a promising last name, is regretfully not a knight of the church). Apart from having gorgeous 2D visuals, Castle Crashers, with its midget characters making exaggerated cartoon expressions, sports a look that is instantly recognizable. Most of the game's stages are stock locations such as a fire level, an ice level, a forest level, and so forth, but they've been so infused by Paladin's style that they seem completely new and fresh. The forest level, filled with silent, creeping bandits feels appropriately mysterious and perhaps a little menacing. The desert level feels long and barren (insert your favorite tasteless joke here), with just enough enemies to keep things interesting. There are a number of exciting set piece battles as well, including a frantic chase through an abandoned mill, a melee aboard a racing stagecoach, and a crazy free-for-all inside a flying saucer that features a number of familiar Behemoth faces.

The Sirens of Titan and the Brian Setzer Orchestra

Uh-oh! A legitimate reason to stop being antisocial!

   Once you start sinking your teeth into Castle Crashers it quickly becomes clear why it took so long to finish. It's big. Teenage pride kinda big. Now, I'm not saying it's going to rival a 40-hour RPG, so stop putting words in my mouth! But for the type of game it is (that's 2D beat 'em up for those of you suffering from ADHD) it's pretty beefy. Chances are it'll set you back a good six to ten hours your first play through, and all of it will be as packed with quirkiness and heart as the sections I mentioned above. And hunting down all the hidden weapons, pets, and playable characters will up that time significantly. Of course, things will go much quicker if you have some help, and multiplayer is where Castle Crashers really shines.

   Going through the campaign co-op doesn't change how things play out in any significant way (although all player characters are forced to duel Double Dragon-style over each princess rescued, which is a pretty rocking idea!). However, the sheer effect of another player hurling enemies about and scrambling for money and items is incalculable. The beat 'em up was originally an invention of the arcade, and so was a genre designed around the concept of multiplayer. By playing with another person (or several other people) it introduces a host of new questions. How are spoils divided up? Who takes point during boss battles? Who chooses which area to go to next? Who farted? Suddenly, instead of just picking which knight you are going to be, you also get to pick what kind of player you are going to be. Are you going to be the team player who splits up money and items equally and always gives the health item to the most injured character? Or are you going to be the jerk who grabs up everything regardless of need? Yeah, I've got a pretty good idea which you folks will be picking.

So close, and yet so far.

   You can play cooperatively both locally and online, but unfortunately playing online appears to be where the game's one big problem rears its head the most. The game is kind of buggy. Now, I haven't encountered any bugs myself (although I did wake up with a suspicious rash that's been itching like hell), but the outcry against them has been so pronounced it's pretty hard to ignore. Mostly I've heard reports about people losing saved data after playing online (although there have been other complaints too), even data they had saved when playing solo offline. This is a pretty big deal, but since I haven't encountered it myself, it's really hard for me to say how much this type of thing is affecting the average player's game. Normally something like this would lead me to score a game significantly lower, but it's just such a good game I simply can't bring myself to do it (even self-flagellation didn't seem to change my mind). The Behemoth claims that a patch is forthcoming, so if you're hesitating because you've heard about the bugs you shouldn't have to wait too much longer.

Stop painting your toenails!

   If you like video games and own an Xbox 360 you really need to play Castle Crashers. It's a beautiful, ridiculously fun title that's so packed with personality (and secrets!) you're guaranteed to get your 1,200 Microsoft points worth of value, especially if you've got other people to play it with.

   Together Castle Crashers and Alien Hominid have really proved The Behemoth know what they're doing when it comes to making quality old school games. We can only wait, quivering with anticipation, to see what they'll come up with next. Maybe it'll be a light gun game where kitten commandos fight an army of cyborg sasquatches hell-bent on rewriting American zoning code. Fight, tiny kittens, for everlasting sensible zoning!

       ... Mike Zeller