If you would please, take a moment and think back to all the things you have accomplished since 1998. Some may have graduated from high school or college, others might have had their first kiss or gotten married, and still others could have finally been released from prison after that indecent exposure charge that taught you that drinking until you pass out at a frat party might not be the most logical course of action. If you're Denis Dyack, however, you've spent the past ten years crafting Too Human, which was supposed to be the greatest event in the history of gaming. In actuality though, it's one of the most poorly made and quite possibly the single most annoying title to come out in the ten years it's been in development. This game is easily Denis Dyack's own version of the Lost Decade.

Behold, Norse Mythology Made Even Geekier!

   Too Human casts players in the role of Baldur, one of the cybernetically enhanced Aesir who serve as the protectors of humanity. The Aesir are all based on Norse mythological characters, so you can be sure that Odin and Thor make appearances, and the phrase "Odin's beard!" is used more liberally than in the film Anchorman, which is quite the accomplishment because I thought that sort of thing was impossible.

   Unfortunately for Baldur and company, defending humanity is hard, especially due to the sudden emergence of a machine army, seemingly led by a giant monstrosity known as Grendel, which is determined to eat people, smash property, and otherwise ensure that you're about to have a very bad day. Of course, this being an RPG things are never that simple, and wouldn't you know it, turns out that Loki, the old trickster himself, is pulling the strings and setting about to basically screw over everyone not named Loki (note to self: stop by city hall to change name to avoid unrelenting suffering).

   The story is actually one of Too Human's stronger points, mostly because it takes the classic traditions of Norse mythology and infuses them with a healthy dose of futuristic sci-fi action. The world the Aesir inhabit is quite stunning, and I am impressed by how well the seemingly ridiculous premise comes together to form a rather cohesive and intriguing story. Unfortunately, the game's central moral quandary, whether Baldur will undergo cybernetic enhancements to become more powerful or choose to retain what little humanity he has left, is tossed off in one throwaway scene, and there are really no substantial ramifications for choosing one path or the other. Talk about a moment that lacks punch.

Look Ma! I'm the Human Ping-Pong Ball!

Life sucks and then you die.

   Making matters even worse is the fact that the game has no sense of balance whatsoever. Too Human thinks nothing of throwing you into a confined space with 30 leveled baddies and a couple giant trolls or other super-monsters, and then asking you to wade through all of them without getting your clock cleaned. And since the enemies level up with you they never get any easier, so it's just as infuriating to get mauled by a group of pathetic goblins at level 30 as it is at level 1. Even better, health drops are rare and there is only one class of character in Too Human which can regenerate health. Worse still, the regeneration rate is a joke, and you could easily spend literally 5 minutes after every fight waiting for Baldur to heal before you can walk forward 3 feet and start fighting again. Word of advice, keep a magazine handy if you're expecting to actually play all the way through this.

   All of this leads up to the one thing that makes me want to violently attack strangers: dying in Too Human is THE MOST INFURIATING THING TO HAPPEN IN A GAME EVER! Every time you die, and believe me, you'll die a lot, you have to sit through an unskippable cut scene in which a fugly Valkyrie descends from heaven, slowly scoops Baldur up, and then gently floats back up through the ceiling without any real regard to the fact that the only man who can save everyone just died and her pokey ass is the reason why the whole world is burning. Of course, once the painfully long animation is over you're dropped right back into the same place you were just killed, leaving you to likely be decimated again and again until you manage to whittle down the enemy horde to a manageable size. It literally once took me 20 minutes to clear one stinking room of the game because of the sheer volume of baddies and the fact that every time I died I had to run back down a long ass corridor back to the area where all the enemies were just waiting for me to provide them with some more tasty flesh to rip into. I've just come to the realization that when I die, this will be my personal hell, running down hallways, being torn to shreds by bad guys, waiting an eternity to be revived and then repeating the process over and over again. I can't wait.

Who Carries This Much Crap Around Anyway?

   Just in case the combat in Too Human isn't enough to end your sanity, Mr. Dyack and friends have added an inventory system that would make even Diablo blush. Like any good RPG, Too Human features a ridiculous amount of loot, so ridiculous in fact, that it would make Crazy Eddie the used car guy seem normal and well-adjusted by comparison. Basically every enemy you kill will drop some piece of weaponry or armor, and there's no way to know if each piece is any good until you pause the action to head into your inventory to check it out.

   Once you're in the equipment screen, you can check out each pretentiously named hunk of metal you've accumulated, and carefully discern whether the "Eternal Greaves of Nose Picking" are any better than your currently equipped "Glowing Sandals of Righteous Butt Scratching." Be prepared to do this every 46 seconds for the duration of the game, because if you're the type of gamer who enjoys RPGs you're likely anal enough to be constantly checking your inventory to see if anything you picked up makes your character even marginally more powerful. I guess I should be grateful for the constant loot managing though, without it the game would probably only be about an hour long.

What's Scandinavian for "Yeck"?

   When I started Too Human, at first I was amazed that the issues which I thought were going to drive me nuts didn't really affect me at all. I was worried about the fixed camera angles and the overly-simplified control scheme, but all through the first level I was happily bouncing along murdering and destroying without a single disappointment. Then the rest of the game happened and I was reminded that just because a game has been in development for a decade, that still doesn't mean it's necessarily any good. The atrociously unbalanced difficulty, ridiculous loot management, infuriating death penalty, and overall poor design of the title rob it of any real joy it could provide. I don't know how you spent your last 10 years, but I'm going to spend my next 10 trying to forget that this train wreck ever happened.

       ... Brad