Prior to my decision as to what system I should get the new Bond game for, I shoved what little pride I had down my throat (it tasted rather salty) and consulted the "professional" game review sites. Upon reading the predictably generic reviews, one issue stood out that made my decision even harder. I couldn't get an accurate impression because EVERY DAMN REVIEWER ONLY COMPARED THE GAME TO GOLDENEYE 64!!! Let me set the facts straight, ladies, gentlemen, and amorphous gaming blobs: I have never played Goldeneye 64. Ever. So, while you slowly and steadily march to my house to kill me (I'll be the one outside on the lawn burning copies of Goldeneye 64 and shouting cries of warship to Satanic deities), enjoy this unbiased review of 007: Quantum of Solace for the PS2.

   The story of the game differs very little from the movies, carrying on the main theme of you hunting after Greene, the mastermind of all the bad stuff that happened in Casino Royale, and (among other things) the jerk responsible for the death of your girlfriend. (Sorry for the spoiler, but you should know that Bond girls don't last very long. In fact, they even come with their own expiration dates.) Sometimes, the levels stray a bit from the movies, but it's nothing much to complain about, as it's truly for the good of the gaming experience.

   With that said, let's talk about the game itself...

One martini too far?

   Quantum of Solace for the PS2 is very different from the other console versions, in that it's actually a full third person shooter, not an FPS with third person cover that those dirty bastards at the news mill promised. After starting up the game, my first observation was "why do I have virtually no control over Bond?" Well, actually my first observation was that I probably shouldn't have eaten that chap stick, but the way Bond moves definitely does seem rather funky at first. Any strafing or quick turn mechanisms have been completely removed, so turning corners with Bond in third person is a monumental task, and during the first few levels you'll find yourself repeatedly running into walls. The easiest way to cope is to pretend you are at a New Year's Eve celebration; if your holidays are anything like mine that ought to get things to fall into place. Also, in an attempt to add realism to the game, you can't push the analog stick forward and simply start running. It seems that after so many media appearances, James Bond has suffered from a bit of aging, as so he must first walk, then jog, and then finally run. While gradual acceleration achieves the realism it strives for, it gets frustrating very quickly, particularly in chase sequences, when you run straight into a wall (see above), and then have to start your acceleration to running pace all over again, leaving ample time for your target to escape while crooning nasty comments about your mother.

   Thanks to all these wonderful features this game can easily, well, SUCK during the first two levels as you blindly stumble about the locales of Bond's adventures, shouting profanities each time you get shot in the balls at point blank range. But fear not, dear reader, for if you just hang in there and continue playing, you will realize that...

Every dark cloud has a silver lining

Dear God, man, cover yourself up!

   The cover system plays a major part in this game. The level design for each location is centered around the idea of cover. The levels mainly consist of a linear path with plenty of cover spots to help you escape detection and/or a painful death. In addition, there are some levels with require complete stealth. In these missions frustration can abound, with you getting booted back to the beginning of the level simply for showing your ugly face around a guard with an incredibly itchy trigger finger, which he apparently must scratch with nothing else but bits of your spine.

   In addition, there are surveillance cameras in some areas, which exist for the express purpose of making your life difficult. At these locations, the game recommends that you approach the camera's control box without being detected and disable it. Or, if you're like me or the rest of America, you'll just want to blow the damn thing to bits with your firearms. Thankfully, this is an option as well, yet it will alert guards, so you'll have to either shoot all the jackasses before one of them hits the alarm, or hide before any of them see you. And NO, you cannot hide in a box and distract the guards with porn magazines. Such a tactic only works in Disney World and the Oval Office. However, the game does offer plenty of environmental distractions, leaving you free to shoot anybody in the head while they are looking the other way, as long as you don't leave your silencer back at the office again.

   Another bit of good news is that the "stealth required" missions do a really great job of convincing/forcing you to learn to use cover in combat, which will make you all the wiser for future levels. Of course, when the levels change from "stealth required" to "stealth recommended," feel free to ditch the cover system altogether and charge through groups of enemies like a drunken Rambo. You'll likely get blown to bits, causing both the henchmen and God to laugh at your pathetic efforts.

   The enemy AI is another thing that you really have to take into account. The henchmen in this game alternate between being completely oblivious to everything going on around them, and having the senses of a bald eagle searching for prey with a machine gun. This lack of a golden mean can definitely make your life difficult, so you'd better think twice before urinating on the guards' shoes.

Yeah, that's great and all, but what about killing people?

   Yes, of course. What would a Bond game be without a little murder for the good of mankind? Quantum of Solace offers quite a few different ways to abuse your license to kill. One, you can give in to your temptations and run around with your guns blazing in crazy open gunfights. And don't get me wrong: contrary to what I might have said earlier, this system CAN work. If there's only a small group of guards, you are feeling confident, and you've got equally sufficient amounts of both ammo and testosterone, then by all means, try this method out. If not easier, it will definitely make the game more interesting. However, if you want to be a "smart player" (a more scientific term for "pussy willow"), you can use the cover system to tip the odds in your favor. First, you can stay in cover until a guard turns his back, sneak up behind him, and then press a button to take him down. Of course, this only works when there's one guard, or you're going to have yourself one awkward moment.

   In addition to stealth kills, you can also use cover while in regular combat. When you're hiding from enemies you can pop your head up (or lean out from behind your cover spot), fire (with regular or precision aiming), and go back into cover before they can say, "What the hell was that for?" Also, you can blind fire while in cover (gee, which shooter did they lift THAT from, I wonder!), and while I have yet to figure out exactly how this works, it's a nice and thoughtful addition on the part of the developers.

   Then of course there's my favorite tactic - environmental hazards. And boy, does this game have dangerous inconveniences by the crapload! To make things easier for you, bright little stars mark different opportunities for some "violent creativity." These various marked objects include fire extinguishers that you can shoot, chandeliers that you can drop, whoopee cushions that you can place, and unsafe machinery with the keys in the ignition. What's more, these hazards are so obviously placed that it doesn't take a genius to have fun with them, and yet you still get to feel brilliant whenever you send bits of fire extinguisher flying at people's skulls.

The name's... wait, who am I again?

   There is one Bond fact that we must all come to grips with: our old buddy James has changed. Gone is the man who will casually stroll up to a bar and ask for a martini while a building blows up behind him. Gone is the man who will expertly sneak into a private estate, only to pause to give a beautiful stranger a back massage. Gone is the man who keeps his heart in his job and his mind in his pants.

   For the movies, this change in Bond means the portrayal of the world's greatest and coolest superspy as a constantly depressed borderline-emo, while for the games it means the removal of everything that makes James Bond who he is - or at least who we think he used to be.

   I mean, sure, there are a few helicopter fights and a few occasions when you get to mow down some unsuspecting guards with an out-of-control forklift, but rarely do you see anything that marks this as a true 007 title. For one, there are no moments where Bond makes witty remarks in the face of danger. The main problem, though, is that THERE ARE NO GADGETS!!! How the hell can you have a Bond game without a grapple, a laser wristwatch, or at least a disposable camera?! Even the awesome car featured in the ridiculously cool opening sequence makes no appearance whatsoever in the game, making the opening video nothing more than a tease. Plus, the range of weapons is disappointing at best. I mean, there are shotguns, sniper rifles, pistols, and machine guns, but none of the weapons really stand out as unique or particularly impressive, making you want to go back to playing Nightfire or Everything or Nothing again.

My name is Rent, Just Rent

   This review may have been pretty negative overall, but Quantum of Solace is still a relatively decent game. The graphics are excellent for what they're worth on the PS2, and the animations are more or less smooth. In addition, QoS has some of the best music you'll ever hear in a Bond title. It's just that the game has its shaky moments and is pretty disappointing for a 007 game. But even if you don't enjoy Quantum of Solace, it will at the very least remind you of how great Bond used to be, and after a good romp through QoS, popping in the disc for Nightfire or Everything or Nothing will be that much more enjoyable.

       ... Purpleblob